It’s Okay to Walk Away!

Sometimes you have to let go of something in order to Grow

It’s been one hell of a year and if you are here you are probably trying to get the juice on why I left my top notch Finance consulting gig! - So first off apologies for the delay, I’ve been busy learning a new business model along with just balancing my emotions in other areas of my life. Can someone please yell “SELF-CARE” - 

So first off let me just say I am thankful, I am grateful to be covered by the universe at ALL TIMES. So instead of telling you all the step by step Corporate drama that came with my exit. I’ll share a story from my past and journey of how I made the tough decision. While I can share the ugly drama and “legalise”, I don’t think that would provide any value to anyone. Secondly if I learned one thing from my mother and the Church folk, gossip does not do the heart any good. Instead you should just forgive, pray, and let go of what you can’t control.  

You all ask me each day about my daily routine, outlook on life, how I stay so disciplined, balanced, personal finance and the list goes on. Now while I can provide you all the tools and methods I use, I always think it’s better to dig beneath the surface to uncover the “WHY” behind why people do the things they do, how they treat people, view life etc. While I am highly educated I do attribute my work ethic and life skills to my upbringing, my culture and the experiences that have taught me how to think and survive in ways that no institution or workplace can ever teach.  Life gives it hardest battles to its toughest soldiers. 

So if you think I’ve been authentic then, its about to go to a whole different level. - Enjoy the ride. 

There is this one Pivotal year in my life that has completely transformed my entire life and still feeds into every single aspect of my lifestyle. In Operations lingo, I refer to it as the centralized data management system of my brain that automatically feeds habits and values into all of the other areas of my life. 

It was a Wednesday, and the second week of my senior year in high school. I was so damn excited because let’s be real, who isn’t excited to be a senior in high school! I was the captain of my Step team, elected as President of Student Government, college was a few months ahead of me, I was soo excited to begin planning for senior trip, prom, and begin college apps. My job at Footlocker was paying me well so life was quite amazing for any 17 year old living in Brooklyn at that time.

But then I got THE CALL that changed and shaped my entire life forever.  A call from my mom’s boss letting me know that she collapsed at work and was being rushed to the hospital. My heart literally sank to the ground, my mouth began to water and tears started rolling down on my teal blue sweater. I felt my hands shaking as my body went into complete shock and zoned out because I had absolutely no idea what to do, how to do, who to call and where to go.

On my way to the hospital I was hoping that she just hurt her knee or something small so we can just sign some papers, get some Advil and go home immediately.. But when we got there instead of pointing us in the direction of where someone with a sprained knee would be, they told my brother and I to wait until the doctor came out. Now for all my Greys Anatomy fans, we all know what that meant. My hands and back were literally sweating in places I never knew possible.

He finally came out and all I remember hearing was something about “Neuro CT Scans and that she will remain in the hospital until they were able to provide a full diagnosis.” My head spaced out because I still had no idea what was happening but as he was speaking I spotted my mother being pushed down the hallway, she spotted us back and her eyes and face lit up like it did every single time she saw us. Like a little girl I ran to her and for the FIRST time in my life she hugged me and kissed me with her entire heart. 

I hope you never take the path of least Resistance

From that day forward the daily structured routine began as I waited for the doctors to let me know what was going on. Instead of planning my senior activities life handed me a complete new path. From that moment life for me turned into 6 AM train rides to the hospital for breakfast, 8:30 school, then back to the hospital for lunch and keeping her company, my 4-9pm shift at Footlocker, then back to the hospital for dinner. Now if I got lucky somedays I was able to leave her breakfast with the night nurse to save me a trip in the morning. Each day I got home around 11pm and literally felt the exhaustion DEEP in my bones. Oh and somewhere in-between all of that I was submitting college applications.

The only joy I had some days was hearing my sweet dog, Sasha, scratch her little nails on the door when she heard my keys coming off the elevator. My brother and I were never home during the day to walk her so I came home each night to a nice surprise to clean up before bed. So once that was all done I wrapped my hair, sat by my window and just cried my eyes out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for an entire year. Most importantly I got up the next day at 6 AM wiped them, let my hair down and just did it all over again with a smile. ( Does that routine sound familiar :-) )

I always looked forward to Wednesdays because I didn’t have to work at Footlocker, so I was able to catch up on all my homework, stay at the hospital a little longer and hang with my friends for a bit before heading to the hospital. On those days my mother and I would laugh, talk to her fellow hospital mates, watch Dr.Phil, and go over my college applications. Those were the days when she would give me all my life speeches about what not to do with my career and how to be kind to everyone. Every week she would also update the list of the “Adult” things she needed me to take care of for her and never forgot to remind me to make my bed, turn off the stove, unplug the iron and lock the door before I left the house each day.

For an entire year I lived every single day in complete fear and uncertainty of what was going to happen next, just watching my mother get worse each day yet still unclear of her true diagnosis, and also upset with the world for allowing me to go through it completely alone. So every night I rode the train I just shut my eyes an and just imagined where life would take me after this and just wondered why the universe was putting me through such turmoil so young. It was the only time I had some peace and I would just reflect and imagine all the things I wanted to do and become one day.

Be the person you needed when you were younger

So when it comes to my career I view it as a journey similar to what I endured during that year with my mom in the hospital. One filled with uncertainty yet so much faith that things will go exactly how it should. Everyday I woke up with more faith than I ever thought possible. I just believed in my heart that she would be okay and that was all I needed each day. Instead of having a concrete plan for my professional career, I have a post-it system where I re-write a few quotes each day and make sure my life aligns to my interpretation of it.  One of my favorites ,  “Be the person you needed when you were younger.”

When making the tough decision to walk away from the firm I cried for an ENTIRE month straight wishing my mother would send me some signs for direction. (And she absolutely did)…I began to remember all things I imagined during my commute home from the hospital. During those rides I dreamed of coming home to my family each and every day, I imagined a close community of friendship and love. I imagined a workplace where people were invested in the well-being of each other. I imagined being a leader that people looked up to for Authenticity and Integrity. I imagined sharing my story with the world and inspiring young souls to have faith that the Universe is preparing them for something great. I imagined the very Bonnie that I have grown to be. - So truth is my Consultant Position just did not fit into any of those visions for myself. Lastly, my aunt called me one day and gave me permission to walk away. She said exactly “My sister is already proud of you, find the exit sign and walk away my sweet niece. You deserve to be happy”

When I was younger I needed someone to talk to, someone to tell me their story so I knew each day of tears would eventually come to an end. I just needed someone to make me feel like I wasn’t alone. I needed to see someone smiling each day and living out their life’s purpose no matter how “untraditional” it may look or feel. I needed someone to make me feel brave and confident enough to fight for my happiness and feel safe.

My mother passed away shortly after I left for college. Turns out she was actually diagnosed and terminal my entire life, after 18 years she finally told me the truth of her diagnosis during our last month together. It was the first time I ever saw her cry. She purposely lived her life not letting us know of her diagnoses. So when I got that FINAL call, it was truly the happiest day of my life. This time my heart didn’t sink to the ground, I knew exactly what to do next. She raised me to fly high even if I have to do some things alone. At that point I was ready to spread my wings and she was finally able to rest hers. I wouldn’t change anything about my journey, it is the foundation of my Soul.

The last thing on the list of Adult things was to not let anyone take my baby sister away. My new position aligns with all of my visions and every night I get to come home to my family and community of people I’ve built . I still make my bed everyday, and now I remind my sister to make sure the stove is off, iron is unplugged, and door is locked before I go out into the world. 

XX The Curly Bee! -

I dedicate this to a special person who taught me how to be brave and fight for my happiness no matter how scary it may be or feel.

Thank you for readinG