It's The Real World

Life keeps me very busy and most of the time that is a very great thing. It allows me to constantly focus on the present and not be distracted by the complexities of my life. Then there are times it decides to give me a shitty day to slow me down so I can reflect and deal with all those complexities.

During those days I usually just want to be alone and allow my music to take me wherever life wants me to be. I like to think of it as a time to empty my bucket of feelings and respect the process because there are days when I need to break down and allow the river to flow through my eyes.  Most of the time the catalyst can be as small as  a train delay, which is enough to tip my bucket and eventually lead me to the root of all of my tears....Not having a mom to share those days with.

 It took me some time to truly wrap my head around the reality of being 19, living 8 hours away from home while grieving the loss of my mother. A lot of that time was spent being angry at the world, myself, and God for deciding that it was time to throw me out to the world so early on my own. Fortunately my grieving process started pretty early and I had a year to say goodbye to the most important woman in my world. Instead of spending my senior year enjoying the last moments with my friends, I was picking out hospices instead of prom dresses and signing a health proxy instead of yearbooks. My college sendoff was filled with tears and I love you's because deep in my heart I knew it was goodbye.

My major reflected the exact place I was emotionally, UNDECIDED. Not sure how my mom would get put to rest, what I wanted to study, where I would live in between semesters, how I would pay for college, who would raise my sister or when I would  even see my siblings. The only thing I knew is that I had to figure the shit out and that is one thing I knew I was really good at. I knew that it was going to be a long journey, a tough fight and an uphill climb but I always knew I would make it through.

Over the years I have gotten countless questions about my resilience, my strength and perseverance . "Bonnie how do you do it? How do you remain so strong? How do you still do it all with a smile?"  

I never had a simple answer to that question, I usually just smiled awkwardly and listen to my mothers voice in my head saying "Bonnie its the real world you better get used to it." I remember she would say that to my brother and I whenever we complained or thought that the world owed us something. Every morning when we struggled to get out of bed we would get the "Its the Real World" speech and before you knew it we both jumped up and rushed our asses out the house. We always knew exactly what she would say before she even said it. "Mom can I get xyz?" her response  "No, this is the real world get a job." Instead of holding our hands and guiding us, she taught us how to hold each others hand and guide ourselves. We always knew what was expected of us at all times and that excuses were not allowed in the Real World...So when I finally got the call that she closed her eyes forever, I cried my heart out until I fell asleep and entered My New World.

Losing my mother has contributed so much to who I am now and how I approach every situation that confronts me. It has allowed me to be such an amazing woman, and it has taught me more about life than I would probably know if she was still here. It has made me a better friend, a better sister, a better cook, more financially disciplined, a better housekeeper, girlfriend, Delta, and all the things. In the past 5 years I learned that being motherless does not mean you are alone without someone to guide you, instead your mother leaves and places you in an advanced class because you learn differently and grow at a faster pace! So now when I get asked "How do you do it" I still smile awkwardly and say "I am so thankful."

I am thankful because the worse is all beneath me now. I am thankful to see my siblings everyday, and be the Matriarch of my family. I am thankful for all the sleepless nights in my car because I would not appreciate the roof I have now. I am thankful for those lonely nights filled with tears because now I appreciate all the people who make me smile. Most importantly I am thankful that I still cry, not because I am sad.. but because I made it through.

Shitty days and obstacles are apart of life and help contribute so much to ones character. It is natural to be upset when having a horrible day, just keep in mind that your tipping point  is coming and allow yourself to go through the process of breaking down when necessary.
Put on that sad song that makes you reflect on your loss, your break up, current financial problems or work. Close the door, turn off the light ,cry it out, and go to bed.
 Most importantly wake up, wash your face and get back in the game, because "Its the real world and quite honestly no one really cares"- Marie Humpherys


I hope this post inspires anyone going through grief

Happy Mothers Day
Rose